A dog's life...

Me at my cute stage.

Life begins. This is me, Jasper "The Big Mook" Zerr. My parents originally wanted a Scottie. And that's how they ended up in the pet store I was at. But I wouldn't let them ignore me. I bayed and jumped around in the cage below to get their attention. When they let me out, I acted my most adorable and cutest. I even went around the entire store and picked out my toys -- a pig's ear, a bone, a tug rope -- while they talked it over. Then daddy ponied up lots of money and I got into a big car for the ride home. I laid on mommy's lap for the whole trip. I still hate cars.

Daddy thought $300 was a lot of money for me. But that was just for starters. You see, I had mange. If you look real close, you can see that all my hair's falling out. I had the worst kind of mange possible and had to have five designer dips at $40 a pop. Isn't having a dog fun? As you can see, I'm in my favorite place. In front of the fire on a bed of pillows. It's a tough life being a cute puppy, especially one with the worst mange possible. Remember that next time you're mad at me mommy and daddy. I could have went to ...

A truly mangy dog.

...Doggy Heaven instead!

Me at my cute stage.

One of my other favorite places to lounge is under the green chairs. Here I am, stretched out, doing what any dog should do. I actually like to lie under lots of things - after all, I'm a Beagle and I'm bred to crawl in little holes after foxes and stuff. At least that's what they tell me I'm supposed to do. Mostly though, I just lie around, bark at the dogs in the park, eat, poop, occasionally eat my poop, puke, and sneak up onto mom and dad's bed once they're asleep. I'm the perfect pet, pleasing in every way practical.

As you can see by the photo, mom and dad decided to put me in a warm coat because I was still kind of mangy and didn't have a lot of fur. It was bad enough in the house to make me want to hide under the chairs - but they actually took me out in public like this. This is my first time in the snow. We're in West Seattle, so there's not much of it. Over in Port Orchard, where I live now, we had so much snow last year that you couldn't see my legs at all. All I know is that this stuff is cold and wet. I hate the cold. If it weren't for the snowballs to catch, I'd hate this kind of weather.

Yellow or white snow?

Pet or killer, you decide!

My parents give me lots of toys to play with. Or, at least they used to. I'm a toy munching machine. The only thing I can't devour are tennis balls. So that's what I get now. They're a lot of fun, especially when they're new. Dad likes to try to see if I can tell when he switches balls on me. We play between his legs. He switches balls and I sniff his crotch. He yells at me to stop and he hands me the right ball every time. I'm glad he knows how to do tricks. Here I am with my other favorite toy. Stuffed animals. Since I can't hunt real game, I like to rip the heads off the fake ones. And then it's stuffing everywhere. I'm a real killer, aren't I?

This is my girlfriend Matty. My parents brought her home one day to stay with us. She was a real bitch. I mean really. It was about this time that I found out that I was fixed. I couldn't do the deed! What a crummy time in my life. And my parents wonder why I put up a fight every time they put me into the car. I think I'm going to get fixed again. Matty wasn't much use in that area either. And she was always beating up on me. She had to find a new home when we moved to our new house. We could only have one dog there and everyone knows I'm the top dog around here!!!!

Me and my girlfriend...

Jasper, Sun Worshipper

This is me at the Buffett Beach Party my parents threw on our deck. 90 degrees of heat, a swimming pool, my own lawn chair to kick back in and Bonz - what more could a dog ask for? Oh, yes. A fan! I sometimes got overheated out by the pool so mom and dad brought out a fan to cool me down and made sure that my pink tummy had sun block on it. All things considered, I have a pretty good life. And I'm looking forward to the new addition so someone else can get blamed for that occasional stray poopie in the carpet. And oh, yes. A whole new crop of stuffed animals to rip apart. I love kids!!!!!

Daddy must have known how much I liked the warm sun because he moved me to Florida to be with my new Mommy. We rode in the van for 84 hours and like I said, I don't like cars. But I almost did get to see Mount Rushmore (I was left in the parking garage), I did see Little Big Horn but mommy wouldn't let me pee on the markers there. Plus she wouldn't let daddy buy me any more cheeseburgers or Arby Roast Beef sandwiches. She said they weren't good for me. Well, to make a long story short, like most old people I am spending my last days here in Florida. I love the sun and the big yard to sniff around. People brought me stuffed animals again for some reason a week or so ago. I guess it's because I've been feeling a little under the weather lately. Daddy took me to see the damned doctor and they stuck things up my you know what and then wanted to take photos of my insides. I let them know loud and clear these were not my favorite things. Daddy looked very sad. I figured it was because he saw the bill. But things worked out for the better in the end. For some reason mommy and daddy started to feed me hamburger and rice each day. They lavished treats on me. And then they started to give me steaks and cry from time to time. I wondered what they did wrong to feel so bad. Oh, well. I need to go to sleep now. As I said, I'm not feeling my best these days and I need my rest. ADDENDUM: Jasper "The Big Mook" had to go to doggy heaven today. He gave it one helluva fight until the end but his lumpy body finally got the best of him. Hopefully, his new captain upstairs has lots of hamburger and steak aboard the ship for he has a new watch dog on the big Poop Deck in the Sky. We love you buddy. Thanks for 13 wonderful years and a few days when I wanted to ring your little "how dare you poop in my house" neck. We'll miss ya Big Mook...